Dear Wedding Skulls

We’re having a smallish (80) people wedding in our backyard. The theme is Gothic pagan fairy tale. We have a folk band playing and its gonna be heaps of fun.

Should we have a wedding registry? My mum says we have to and without one no one will know what to buy us, but I’m  not sure. What do you think?

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Wedding registries. Ick. I hates them.

Generally speaking, people accept that a wedding is an occasion to bring a gift. they expect it, they plan for it as soon as they get the invite in the mail.

However, it’s impolite to imply, especially ON the invitation, that gifts are to be expected. And that’s just what those little registry cards the stores give you do.

Having a wedding registry does not make you selfish, becuse normally, you chose a wedding registry to attempt to help your guests, and make their lives easier, and that’s not selfish at all. But they can appear selfish and present-grabbing to some people.

Also, the stores encourage you to register above and beyond what you could expect to recieve to “give everyone a good selection to choose from” or “in case people want to give you more than one item.” Some of them tell you to register 3 items per wedding guest, which is 240 items for an 80 person wedding. How do you think that looks when your guests recieve the store list?

And lastly, registries rob those people who take great joy in shopping, or making, that perfect item to help you start your married life. While there’s no rule that says people have to buy from the registry, having that little card fall out of the invite sure implies there’s a rule.

So, instead of a gift registry, I recommend leaving a note with the person managing your RSVPs – either yourself, or your mum, or your maid of honour or whoever – about the kinds of gifts you might like. Create a small list of household goods (small, and non-specific: toaster oven, and coffee machine, not ”the super-expensive coffee expresso machine with built-in choclate curl decorator, from specific shop at incredible price of only $299.99) or specify a larger gift people might donate to. Some people say “donations towards our deposit on first home” or, as we did “donations towards our travels”. 

When people ring up to RSVP, they will most likely ask about gifts, so you or your RSVP-minder can give them a few ideas, and also keep track if someone says “Oh, I’ll get the toaster.” They can cross that off the list. If people don’t want ideas about where to get a gift, they won’t ask.

You can put something like “RSVP and gift ideas by calling Grandma Luna” on the invites, which seems much less rude than writing a message about what you want, or including a registry card.

In saying that, registries are becoming the norm these days, and most people know what they are and understand it’s just a couple trying to help out their guests. So, I would think about the guests you’ve invited, and assess what method would be most useful and least offensive to them. Would they rather have a convenient way to shop for something they know you want, because you picked it out, would they rather have a rough guide to what you might need, but still have the pleasure of picking it out, or would they rather give a donation and be done with it? Would they think the very idea of saying anything, at all, about wedding gifts incredibly offensive and presumptuous?

Only you know your guests, and can best guess how they would react to a wedding registry, and only you can decide whether you should choose a registry or not.

I hope I’ve helped
Steff